Age Is Just a Number: Museveni’s Unpredictable Birthday Celebrations

Happy Birthday Museveni - Uganda Grinds to a Halt as Museveni 'Approximately' Turns 79
PHOTO - DM - Uganda Grinds to a Halt as Museveni 'Approximately' Turns 79
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In an absolutely not-at-all-confusing turn of events, Uganda is gearing up for a grand celebration as President Museveni, the ageless wonder, prepares to mark the anniversary of his birth, or rather, an approximation of it.

Tomorrow, several Kampala roads will play hide and seek with motorists as they inconveniently close down for the festivities at Kololo Independence Grounds. Because, really, what’s a birthday without a traffic jam?

This 79th birthday extravaganza is organized by a group of youthful enthusiasts led by the National Coordinator in the Office of the NRM National Chairman, Hadijah Uzeiye Namyalo, who, by the way, probably has a better grasp on her birthdate.

Mysteriously, President Museveni’s age seems to be as elusive as his political opponents. He’s been on record claiming not to know his birth date, citing his parents’ lack of education as the reason. They apparently resorted to dating his birth using significant events of their time, like the death of a king and mass cattle vaccinations. Very scientific.

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But here’s the kicker: Museveni’s purported birthday is on September 15th, but the party is on September 8th. Why, you ask? Well, that’s just part of the birthday fun – keeping everyone guessing.

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In a thrilling announcement, the Kampala Metropolitan Traffic police commander, Senior Superintendent of Police Godwin Arinaitwe, declared that they’re expecting a whopping 100,000 guests. Yes, you read that right, 100,000! That’s almost as many years as Museveni’s been around. They’re coming from all over the country, so brace yourselves, dear Kampala residents.

Arinaitwe had some sage advice for the public: “Be vigilant but also follow the traffic guidelines because we have temporary disruptions to traffic flow.” Translation: Good luck getting anywhere on time.

But don’t fret, dear motorists, there will still be normal traffic flow at Golf Course traffic lights towards Acacia Avenue. However, if you were planning on taking a scenic route down Upper Kololo Terrace, Elgon Terrace, or Lower Kololo Terrace, think again. These roads are off-limits, except for the VVIPs. Yes, there’s a Very, Very Important Persons section. You probably won’t be in it.

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And for those coming from Bombo road, take the scenic route through Old Kira road, Lugogo bypass, and park at KCCA grounds behind Shoprite. It’s not confusing at all, we promise.

If you’re one of the lucky ones coming from Jinja, your parking spot will be at UMA show grounds. Entebbe side? Just use Kampala Road, Jinja Road traffic lights, Lugogo bypass, and voila, KCCA grounds await you. Nansana folks can take Yusuf Lule road, Golf Course traffic lights, Nakumatt, Jinja Road traffic lights, Wampeewo roundabout, and park at KCCA grounds or UMA show grounds. Simple, right?

In unrelated news that we just had to sneak in here, fuel prices are skyrocketing. Some filling stations are charging as much as 5,700 Shillings. But hey, at least Museveni’s birthday is a distraction, right?

Also, on a lighter note, economic hardships are making HIV positive patients consider a new career path – selling their ARVs to pig and poultry farmers. After all, who wouldn’t want to boost their pork and chicken meat with a little extra immunity?

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As Museveni inches closer to the century mark, we can only hope that he’ll one day reveal the secret to his age. Until then, let’s enjoy the annual guessing game, traffic jams, and other entertaining surprises that come with his birthday celebrations.

And remember, if you ever need to find Museveni’s birth record, good luck with that. State House may or may not have it stashed away somewhere as a national treasure. Or not. Who knows?

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