Kampala, Uganda – In a move that’s about as surprising as the sun rising in the East, Robert Kyagulanyi Ssentamu, better known as the melodious “Bobi Wine,” is about to embark on a whirlwind national tour. The man with a name that sounds as smooth as his promises aims to open up his political party’s offices and, more importantly, gather support while he’s at it.
Facing the media frenzy in Kampala on Wednesday, Kyagulanyi managed to keep his baseball cap from falling off as he announced his grand plans. He cheerily reminded everyone that, unlike the president’s offspring Muhoozi Kainerugaba, who’s forbidden from campaign adventures due to his military gig, the rules permit politicians like him to go out and hug babies and stuff.
Evidently undeterred by the previous episode of “Bobi’s Great Mobilization Misadventure,” where the security forces acted like the ultimate party poopers, Bobi Wine vowed to give it another go. One could almost hear the National Unity Platform-NUP party members rehearsing their motivational chants in the background.
David Lewis Rubongoya, the NUP Secretary General, chimed in to announce that all the pre-party-party requisites were checked off their list. He casually mentioned sending letters to the Inspector General of Police and the Electoral Commission. Oh, and they’ve even reserved the hottest spots in town for their pep rallies.
But it’s not all sunshine and catchy jingles in Bobi’s world. He took a moment to pat the World Bank on the back for turning off Uganda’s loan tap over the controversial Anti-gay Act. Yet, he scratched his head at the World Bank’s peculiar focus on human rights solely through a rainbow-colored lens. He gently reminded them that Ugandans deserve a whole smorgasbord of rights, not just the prideful one.
Bobi’s not one to shy away from dishing out some diplomatic finger-pointing. He shared his thoughts about the international community’s apparent case of “selective human rights vision.” According to him, it’s not just about who you love, but also who you keep breathing. He sent out an open invitation to “all rights,” RSVP included.
When asked about the recent FDC shenanigans, where some senior party members allegedly pulled a “Robin Hood” move to fund anti-NUP escapades, Bobi responded with a shoulder shrug that could have qualified as an Olympic event. He compared the whole affair to Museveni’s recurring bad habit of shopping for new opposition buddies. Yet, he insisted that despite Museveni’s shopping spree, the people are resiliently shopping for change.
In a speech that could have been titled “Museveni Can’t Buy Me Love,” Bobi cleared his throat and declared that Museveni might have his ways, but he won’t sway. Apparently, Museveni has quite a shopping cart filled with various party leaders, like a political coupon collection, and it seems he’s been browsing through all the popular parties.
Then there’s the unfortunate soap opera of NUP’s own Muhammad Ssegirinya, currently getting medical TLC in the Netherlands. Bobi tapped into his compassionate side, urging Ssegirinya not to let others twist his medical woes into a political pretzel. It seems like Ssegirinya, the central character in this medical drama, had claimed neglect from both parliament and his own party.
In a plot twist that no one saw coming (except perhaps Ssegirinya), parliament retaliated, saying they can’t quite rush to the rescue if their superhero doesn’t follow protocol. Ssegirinya apparently flew his Ugandan coop without the golden ticket from the medical board for international treatment.