Do you remember the Mutooro man called Jerome Mugenyi? In December 2020, the man from Kasusu, Fort Portal blew life into a scandal and his name flooded Ugandan social media space for unnumbered days. He had travelled from his hideout and pitched his tent inside the house of a married woman in Nsiikye, Mbarara. For five days, he pumped life into her. On her matrimonial bed. Slept under her mosquito net. Wore her husband’s boxers to the bathroom. Dried himself with his towel and changed into his shirts.
She had told him they belonged to her estranged husband, so he was safe from his intrusion.
Good things do not last forever. The woman’s husband, who was an employee in a rich NGO and believed by his wife to be in South Sudan, suddenly appeared the way ghosts do. He burst into his bedroom unannounced but instead of coming back to his wife’s smile, he found a naked man in his bed. His wife was away. In the video that crammed the internet, poor Jerome was a fish on the hook. He was defenseless and humble like a Catholic priest.
His assegai was flaccid and lifeless. He had conceded defeat like a fowl in a pan and it didn’t matter what happened next as long as his captor left him alive. The woman’s husband was holding a spear, threatening to drive it into his (Jerome’s) abdomen if the latter did not identify himself. He cried and begged and went on to explain the fact he was his mother’s only son; at least the poor old woman couldn’t afford to stomach his preventable death. I do not know what followed the end of the video, but the following day, Jerome was under police protection. He had emerged from all this hullaballoo alive, but not many people do.
The Bible says Thou knowest not when the hour cometh. But Bishop Timothy Wanyoike from Nyeri in Kenya did not read his scriptures well enough and he paid a steep price for stashing his holy book away. In 2018, his hour came and he was not prepared for the rapture; he was caught shagging his brother’s pregnant wife.
The pair, having been suspected for having an erroneous affair for four years or so, all the stakeholders in the matter grew weary. The Bishop’s wife tipped his brother and they laid a trap to nab the pair exchanging life’s pleasures. And believe me, the man of God walked, blind as a bat, into the trap on his own terms.
The Bishop’s wife met the pregnant woman’s husband and they hatched a plan. The latter lied to his pregnant wife that he would be travelling from Nyeri to Nairobi the following day. So she would be home alone all day long with a whole house to use as she wished. And she too took the bait. As expected, she invited the pastor over for a steamy day. As he walked down the street to her house, being captured was the last thing on his mind. Wasn’t she home alone?
Well, the man of God was having a good time with the pregnant woman when his wife breezed in. No, she was not alone; the husband of the pregnant woman had come along. Bloody Hell! Poor bishop was out of options. He had no time to react. He was stark naked, his assegai pointed and on duty. He pleaded for mercy; they all do; but it was too late.
He tried to explain that he had only come in to give some marriage counsel to a member of his flock, but who doesn’t laugh that rubbish off when both of you are naked? By the time police intervened and nipped everything in the bud, Bishop Wanyoike had been flogged around the town with no clothes on. His day at work could not have been any worse.
The territorial police in Kanyanya have in their custody a 40-year-old secondary school teacher whom they received about two days back. Mr. Kato John Ssenfuma of Hillside College Mityana was ensnared by thugs hired by the guardians of a student with whom he had an inappropriate appointment. He travelled all the way from Mukono to Kyebando, blitzed straight through the gate at the girl’s home the way sheep walk into abattoirs and never walk out. He never walked out as he had planned. As soon as he made himself comfortable in the living room, he was pounced upon by the well coordinated gang, his arms bound, his pockets searched and everything filmed on camera.
There were boxes of new Kiss Condoms and a one thousand shilling note in his wallet. The student whom he had paid a visit is fifteen. So the situation got out of hand and we are all wagging our tongues.
It should be noted carefully that his game plan was never clever enough, to begin with. Few sane people visit their underage students with the intention of having sexual intercourse with them. But even then, according to the leaked WhatsApp chats showing their prior conversations, she had tried to lure him into a lodge outside her home. But the idiot had instead insisted that she chooses a day when she is home alone, and he gives her the money instead of wasting it on hiring space in a lodge.
One thing led to another and the day was scheduled. When he religiously believed that she was home alone, he showed up – armed with condoms. A huge lot of condoms by the way; enough to last him a whole lifetime.
At least he was not caught practically inserting his urine source into hers. Even the condoms were still sealed and unused. Social media lawyers have given us their opinions and it seems he might get off the hook lightly. Religious leaders argue that by planning or even trying (and failing) to commit a sin, we have already sinned through our thoughts. But fortunately, it seems Ugandan laws are a little more liberal.
While her parents are hoping he gets charged with attempted defilement, social media lawyers are volunteering their opinions, saying different things. They’re saying attempted defilement is not defilement. More so, he cannot be charged with trespass; he only came because he was invited. On the other hand, the case can swing in his favor is he sues them for unlawfully tying him up, shaming him allover the internet and accusing him of things they never saw him doing. But it doesn’t matter anyway; he brought all that shame upon himself.
Dear boychild, we have grown tired of seeing you embarrassing yourselves and the rest of us. Stop being caught in reckless acts in houses that do not belong to you. Just stop travelling for away games. And no, I am not talking to those of you who are involving yourselves in these matters with underage children; you lot can go to Hell and burn. I am only talking to those who know that anyone below 18 should go and suckle their mothers’ breasts until they grow up.
By default, women own nothing. Women build no houses. Women pay no rent for themselves. Women have no private spaces to host you and your horn. No matter how the situation looks, never make the mistake of paying her a visit. Someone who owns nothing has no business hosting you. Do not be deceived that she is a rich sugar mummy owning a house and flashy cars and iPhones. Do not be deceived that she is an independent woman paying her own rent. Do not make such avoidable mistakes; you will never forgive yourself if you ever live long after them.
Make sure every game you plan to play is hosted on your own home turf and on your terms. If you do not own a home turf of your own, find a place you know and control more than she does. If you cannot afford to pay rent or hire space in a hotel room, find a comfortable bush in the dark and eat your beans in peace. And by the way, learn to understand that you will not always smash every living being in your way. But no matter how tempting the devil is, do not let him send you to an away game. We do not want any more of you throwing away your young lives and dignity.
About the author: Daniel Kakuru is a worthless MugOfPorridge. His articles have appeared sporadically in print and online. He drinks, smokes and hopes to die by suicide.
Well done