Oh, look! Another grandiose proclamation from our fearless leader, President Museveni Tibuhaburwa. On June 6, 2024, in his State of the Nation address, he declared a new war—this time, on corruption. Because apparently, fighting corruption is now Uganda’s national sport.
Task five, Museveni declares with the vigor of a school headmaster scolding naughty pupils, is to eliminate corruption in the public service and among our beloved political leaders. He’s got his spies in place, whispering secrets into his ears about these shady characters. With firm evidence, he promises to crush these traitors like cockroaches under a shoe.
Public servants and political leaders, beware! Steal government money, and you’ll face the wrath of Museveni. But wait, there’s more! We have the special category of traitors who take bribes from foreigners. Double trouble, because these folks are not just corrupt; they’re practically selling Uganda off to the highest bidder. The Museveni spy network is watching, and if these sellouts don’t stop, they’ll be crushed with righteous fury.
Now, let’s not forget the amateurs in politics—those wide-eyed dreamers who think leading people means carrying them on your head like a basket of Matooke. Museveni is here to enlighten them: leading means showing the way, not being a donkey. These inexperienced, careerist politicians are tangled up with the blood-sucking money lenders, who charge them ridiculous interest rates just for the privilege of running for office.
The Minister of Finance has been instructed to cap these rates. Inflation in Uganda is 3%, but the commercial banks charge 20%, and the money lenders a mind boggling 36% or more! Museveni calls it extortion, and he’s already set the wheels in motion to criminalize this highway robbery. The PDM and Emyooga funds are to become the people’s banks, lending at 12% or less after 24 months. Because nothing says “helping the poor” like another government scheme.
And then there are those pesky fundraisers, where politicians, eager to impress their electorate, pledge money they don’t have. Museveni will have none of this nonsense. A meeting is in the works to put an end to this diversion of funds.
He lamented the state of affairs where clueless leaders, oblivious to NRM’s sage advice, find themselves in more trouble thanks to bloodthirsty money lenders. These loan sharks charge outrageous interest rates that would make even a Rolex vendor blush. Museveni has already ordered the Finance Minister to cap these predatory rates. Inflation is only 3%, yet banks and money lenders are charging 20% and 36% respectively. That’s pure robbery, folks!
Despite these minor hiccups, Museveni assures us that Uganda’s economy and society are on the rise. The real threats to Africa’s progress, he says, are internal. Forget those foreigners meddling in our affairs; it’s our own internal weaknesses that hold us back. The economy and society are progressing, despite some hiccups caused by a few bad apples. Foreign interference, Museveni assures, is not the real threat to Uganda. The real threat comes from within—our own weaknesses, like the misguided policies of Amin’s era, sectarianism, and corruption.
Museveni waxed nostalgic about Africa’s glorious past victories over imperialists, like Samora Machel defeating the Portuguese in Mozambique and Robert Mugabe’s triumph over the Ian Smith regime in Zimbabwe. But alas, internal weaknesses have since made Africa look weak.
Fear not, for Museveni’s NRM has the right philosophical, ideological, and strategic positions. The private sector will lead efforts, anti-sectarianism politics will prevail, and strategic wealth creation and market integration will make Uganda unstoppable.
With the crushing of corruption, Museveni assures us that Uganda is on the path to greatness. Everything else is in place. Just sit back and watch as Museveni, the crusher-in-chief, leads us to a bright and shiny future.
