A Pentecostal pastor in Mityana and his three devout followers found themselves on the wrong side of the law in the latest episode of Uganda’s reality show, “Who Wants to Evade the Census” . Apparently, divine intervention wasn’t on their side this time.
Ms. Racheal Kawala, the local mouthpiece for Wamala Regional Police, announced that the holier-than-thou suspects are Pastor Samuel Kalibala, Joseph Kitika, Grace Nakamate, and Shamim Nabasirye. These four enlightened souls were caught red-handed inside their church in Naama Village, Mityana Municipality, around 1 pm on Thursday. Instead of spreading the good word, they were busy spreading confusion.
“According to our initial detective work, an enumerator doing her job on Thursday, May 16, tried to count Pastor Samuel Kalibala’s flock,” Ms. Kawala revealed on Friday. “But the good pastor, along with some elderly disciples, decided that the census was a government conspiracy and only Jesus needed to know their numbers.”
Our heroic enumerator didn’t give up easily. She tried to explain the importance of being counted in the national records. But the faithful four, standing firm in their belief, decided that a census was a no-go. They locked themselves in their sanctuary, leaving the poor enumerator out in the cold.
Not one to be deterred, the enumerator called in the big guns – the police. A general inquiry file was promptly opened on the holiest of fugitives.
“Our officers dashed to the scene and found these pious protestors locked up tighter than a presidential convoy,” Kawala elaborated. “They found a way to breach the holy fortress and arrested the suspects.”
Currently, the divine delinquents are cooling their heels at Mityana Central Police Station. Their heavenly disobedience has earned them charges of obstructing an authorised officer.
This divine drama isn’t the first time Uganda has seen such antics. Who could forget the dark day of March 17, 2000, in Kanungu District, when a doomsday cult led by Joseph Kibwetere decided that fire and brimstone were better alternatives to paying taxes? Over 700 people perished in that infamous inferno.
And let’s not overlook Pastor Kalibala’s past exploits. On May 17, 2022, nearly 20 of his followers fled to a secret location, convinced the world was ending. Kalibala was nabbed the next day, sneaking out of his hidey-hole.
Village chairperson Mr. Badru Kavuma has his suspicions. “This man prays at night in banana plantations,” he said. “He makes new followers burn their clothes when they join. If that isn’t a red flag, I don’t know what is.”
So, folks, while you’re out there living your best lives, remember: when the enumerators come knocking, it’s best to answer. Otherwise, you might find yourself joining Pastor Kalibala and his merry band of believers in the latest season of “Uganda’s Most Wanted.”
