In a recent, utterly predictable turn of events, the Ugandan government valiantly thwarted a sinister plot by the National Unity Platform (NUP) led by the one and only Bobi Wine. The cunning NUP supporters hatched a plan of epic proportions, a “one million match” (yes, you read that right, they apparently can’t spell “march”) to welcome back their fearless leader, Robert Kyagulanyi, alias Bobi Wine. Oh, but it gets better – they also had dreams of branching off to State House Entebbe. Clearly, their imagination knows no bounds.
Gen David Muhoozi, the minister of state for internal affairs, appeared before the parliament to recount the harrowing tale of the NUP’s attempted escapade. He revealed that Kyagulanyi’s devoted fans had rallied supporters from across the nation, seemingly mobilizing every man, woman, and child within Uganda’s borders, all to converge on Entebbe International Airport. Their goal? To engage in a match, or march, or whatever it is they do, fittingly dubbed “The one million match.” Their audacious mission? To set foot on the hallowed grounds of State House Entebbe, among other foolhardy ambitions.
It all began when Bobi Wine, fresh from his global tour to Canada and South Africa for some grassroots mobilization (and perhaps a few diplomatic selfies), touched down at Entebbe International Airport on October 5, 2023. His supporters, filled with excitement and enthusiasm, had something quite remarkable in mind – a one million march. Yes, you heard it right, one million pairs of feet marching with the proclaimed intention of reaching State House Entebbe.
The audacity of their plan had the government quaking in its boots. Kyagulanyi was apprehended promptly upon his arrival at the airport, and with great skill, he was transported to his home in Magere, where presumably he was able to ponder the perils of one million marchers at his doorstep. The audacity of these opposition members to complain about their leader’s safe return home! It’s almost as if they expected him to be paraded down the streets with a brass band and a red carpet.
The NUP’s shenanigans didn’t stop there, as they found themselves in hot water over their office siege, accused of planning parallel Independence celebrations. The government maintained that this was merely an attempt to disrupt the national celebrations in Kitgum, rendering them a sham. Naturally, the NUP prayers were a mere façade, and Gen David Muhoozi in his wisdom argued that the prayers were nothing more than a smokescreen to announce their next course of nefarious action(s).
As a result of these grandiose intentions, the security forces had to step in to prevent these well-thought-out and likely consequence free activities. A total of 14 opposition leaders were arrested, detained briefly, and, in a display of unwarranted leniency, released on police bond the same day. The horror!
The opposition, led by Mathias Mpuuga, tried to bring evidence to the parliament in the form of a video. But, of course, a group of loyal National Resistance Movement MPs claimed it might not be authentic, because, who needs facts anyway?
Parliamentary proceedings hit a rather amusing snag when electricity conveniently disappeared within the premises, and, oh, how suspiciously coincidental, the generator suddenly roared to life. Mpuuga, with a smirk, shared the news that the person responsible for playing the video had vanished into thin air. Sabotage, he called it! Mpuuga then declared that without the video, he had nothing to submit. A true loss for all of humanity, we’re sure. It seems that even electricity had a strong opinion on the matter.
In a final twist, the Deputy Speaker called upon the Sergeant at Arms to kick out any suspected plain-clothed security operatives from the parliament chambers. After all, they were seen carrying firearms, and we wouldn’t want irritating things like laws or safety protocols getting in the way of our political circus, would we?
With such compelling drama unfolding, one can only imagine what’s next on the NUP’s list of daring stunts. But let us not forget, it’s the Ugandan government that stands as the true guardian of logic and reason. Who knew that a one million march and a missing video could create such parliamentary pandemonium?
