Kampala Archbishop Warns: “No Poverty Passports to Heaven” – Divine Bouncers on Alert

Kampala Archbishop Warns No Poverty Passports to Heaven Divine Bouncers on Alert
Kampala Archbishop Warns No Poverty Passports to Heaven Divine Bouncers on Alert
- Advertisement -


  • Heaven’s Guestlist Stricter than Ever: Archbishop’s Poverty Reality Check
  • Divine Comedy? Archbishop Claims Heaven’s Dress Code Bans Rags
  • Exclusive Interview with Heaven’s Bouncer: “No Pennies, No Paradise”

In a galaxy far, far away from financial enlightenment, the Archbishop of Kampala Diocese, Paul Ssemogerere, has turned spiritual bouncer, announcing that heaven’s velvet rope is off-limits to the impoverished.

Ssemogerere delivered this divine financial guidance during a priestly golden jubilee and episcopal silver jubilee celebration that saw retired Vatican ambassador Archbishop Augustine Kasujja donning his finest celestial robes.

Gathered amidst heavenly fanfare in Mitala Maria, Mpigi district, a flock of thousands lent their ears to the divine DJ as he spun his cosmic records of wisdom.

The Archbishop, clearly armed with heavenly insider knowledge, urged the faithful to put their earthly talents to work in an “exodus from economic Egypt,” reminding them that poor pockets won’t hold up in the afterlife’s rigorous dress code.

- Advertisement -
Other News:   Gulu City Physical Development Plan Launched by GGGI after approval by the Government

“According to heaven’s dress code, beggarly rags are a big no-no. Poverty may be trending on Earth, but up there, it’s so last eternity,” quipped Ssemogerere, eliciting a mixture of chuckles and audible gulps from the crowd.

Furthermore, the Archbishop appeared ready to channel his inner celestial bouncer. “Consider me the Saint Peter of this situation,” he exclaimed, with a wink. “If you’re planning on showing up at those pearly gates with an empty wallet, you better have a divine credit card to your name!”

On the flip side, the retired Apostolic Nuncio, Archbishop Augustine Kasujja, stood as a shining example of divine pension planning. Forced into early cosmic retirement at a mere 75 years, he had racked up an impressive 33 years in the Vatican diplomatic service.

Other News:   Stylish Showdown: Sylvia Owori's Land Wrangle Takes Center Stage

The Papal Nuncio, Archbishop Luigi Bianco, seemed to have caught the divine memo as well, praising Kasujja’s tireless efforts. “Your heavenly rewards card must be platinum by now,” he stated, showering metaphorical confetti upon the retired ambassador.

Kasujja’s globe-trotting CV looked more like an international scavenger hunt, with pit stops ranging from Argentina to Trinidad and Tobago. “You could say I’ve been an envoy of good news and holy souvenirs,” chuckled the record-breaking Nuncio.

While some may take this divine economic advice with a sprinkle of celestial salt, it’s safe to say that heaven’s residents are polishing their harps and updating their LinkedIn profiles. As the Archbishop made his exit, he left the crowd with one last nugget of financial wisdom: “Remember, you can’t take it with you, but you might need it to get in!”


- Advertisement -
0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments