In a revelation that surely shocked absolutely no one, it turns out that President Museveni’s government resembles a massive family reunion more than a well-functioning administration. In a country where political dynasties are all the rage, Uganda’s first family has turned governance into a heartwarming family reunion. Let’s take a stroll down the Museveni family tree, shall we?
IN THE POLITICAL WING
Starting with the shadow president himself, we have Gen. Caleb Akandwanaho, affectionately known as Salim Saleh. Not only is he the president’s younger brother, but he’s also a retired bush war hero – quite the résumé! After a brief stint as Minister of State for Micro-finance (because who doesn’t love giving loans to relatives), he’s now a senior presidential advisor on defence. Because when you need defense advice, who better to turn to than your little bro? The family that advises together, stays in power together!
Janet Kataha Museveni, the First Lady, MP for Ruhaama County, and Minister of State for Karamoja Affairs, is a force to be reckoned with. Janet Kataha Museveni, the president’s wife is here to prove that behind every successful man is a woman wielding influence among NRM MPs. She’s not just living in her husband’s shadow anymore. During the Temangalo land scandal, she demanded not just answers, but the resignation of Security Minister Amama Mbabazi. We’re not sure if her influence extends to choosing the presidential playlist, but we wouldn’t be surprised.
Then we have Maj. Bright Rwamirama, a cousin to Museveni. They had a small disagreement back when Museveni ordered his arrest, but no hard feelings! Now he’s the State Minister for Agriculture and wields more influence than a celebrity on Instagram. His on-again-off-again relationship with the president is a soap opera in itself. From arrest to reconciliation, these two have seen it all. Rwamirama’s wealth and influence in Isingiro district make him the star of his own reality show.
Shedrack Nzeire, Museveni’s step-brother, is dabbling in youth mobilization at State House, although no one’s really sure what he does. Maybe he’s practicing for the next parliamentary election – third time’s the charm, right? Shedrack has his sights set on the Nyabushozi seat. They say, if at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again, especially when you’re part of the Museveni family.
Miriam Karugaba, another sibling to the president, has landed a cushy job as an administrator at State House. Family connections: 1, Qualifications: 0. It’s like the family reunion committee; they just keep multiplying!
Faith Katana Mirembe, a cousin to Museveni, gets the important title of assistant private secretary for Education and Social Services. The lesson here? Being born into the right family can be your golden ticket.
Amelia Kyambadde, the Principle Private Secretary (PPS) to the president, brings a whole new meaning to “it’s all in the family.” Her family connections read like a tangled web of intrigue that even Shakespeare would find impressive.
IN THE MILITARY
Moving on to the military, where nepotism knows no bounds. Lt. Col. Muhoozi Kainerugaba, the president’s eldest son, is the commander of Special Forces under the Presidential Guard Brigade. Promotions? Who needs ’em when you have a presidential dad to fast-track your career? He’s climbed the ranks faster than a spider on caffeine, and his influence is as undeniable as his last name.
Maj. Sabiiti Magyenyi, another cousin to Museveni, left his PhD studies in Bio-chemistry to join the army, all thanks to Muhoozi’s influence – proving that education is overrated when you have family connections. Ph.D. or not, he’s now the overall commander of the elite Presidential Guard Brigade. The sacrifices one makes for family connections!
Col. Kateera, cousin of Janet Museveni, is doing his thing as second in command at the Gulu-based 4th Division. He once handled finances in the army – the perfect role for someone with zero financial experience. He’s like the right-hand man of the right-hand man, or is it the left?
Lt. Allan Matsiko, the Counter Intelligence Officer at State House, is a brother to Albert Muganga, Amelia Kyambadde’s cousin, and the husband of Sam Kutesa’s daughter. Confused yet? Welcome to the Museveni family’s tangled web. With family ties so intertwined, it’s hard to say where one family member ends and another begins.
Let’s not forget the in-laws, who have their fair share of influence too. Maj. Gen. Jim Muhwezi, an in-law to the Musevenis, fell out with the president over some funds for AIDS and Tuberculosis patients. But hey, who hasn’t had a family feud over money? Family dinners must be fun!
Susan Muhwezi, his wife, serves as the presidential assistant on the African Growth Opportunity Act, a program that’s going swimmingly well, as you can tell. Not. Susan not only handles failing projects like AGOA. She is the Ssenga to Museveni’s daughters. It’s a family drama you won’t want to miss.
John Wycliffe Karazaarwe, cousin to Janet Museveni, is the Ntungamo district chief, who has dominated his district for decades. Because nothing says meritocracy like holding a district down for decades. Talk about job security!
Justus Karuhanga, another cousin to Janet, landed a sweet gig as a legal aide to President Museveni. Who cares if he’s in his early 30s? Age is just a number when you’re well-connected.
Sam Kutesa, the Foreign Affairs Minister, is the father-in-law to Muhoozi and an in-law to Museveni. His family tree is so intertwined with the Musevenis; you’d need a flowchart to figure it out.
Brig. Henry Tumukunde, who used to be in the family’s good graces while heading all things security – think ISO, ESO, CMI and a whole lot of acronyms. Now, he’s in “rehabilitation,” on the outs, which probably involves reminiscing about the good old days. Married to Stella Tumukunde, cousin to Janet Museveni, he’s trying to make a comeback. We’ll see how that goes.
Elly Rwakakooko, yet another cousin to Janet, used to hold prestigious positions but seems to be out of favor now. Maybe he should consider changing his last name to “Museveni.”
Moses Byaruhanga, the kingmaker in this regime, has the power to make or break political careers. If you want a job, you better get his endorsement first!
Hope Nyakairu, a cousin to Janet Museveni, controls the money at State House. Move over, State House comptroller; Hope’s in charge now!
Jolly Sabune, the enigmatic managing director of the Cotton Development Authority, seems to have cottoned on to the idea of avoiding public scrutiny. She’s virtually invisible to the public, and she’s not apologizing for it.
Natasha Museveni Karugire, the president’s eldest daughter, takes charge of the household at State House, Entebbe. Because who else could possibly know how to run a household?
Finally, let’s talk about the business side of things. Edwin Karugire, who married Museveni’s eldest daughter Natasha, is quite the entrepreneur. He’s into real estate and government contracts, including the thrilling task of prosecuting political opponents, especially one named Kizza. Handling the sale of Uganda Railways Corporation assets? Child’s play.
Odrek Rwabwogo, married to Museveni’s second daughter Patience, may not have a government job, but his PR firm is raking in those sweet contracts. Nothing like some family connections to boost your business. Plus, they have a high-class church – because why not diversify? His wife runs the high-class church, proving that when it comes to family, even spirituality is a business opportunity.
Geoffrey Kamuntu, married to the president’s third daughter Diana, runs a procurement firm and has some rather interesting oil interests. Who says family can’t mix with business and politics?
Bob Kabonero, a cousin to Janet Museveni, wears many hats, including casino proprietor and exclusive battery importer. Because everyone knows casinos and batteries go hand in hand. Bob Kabonero knows how to monopolize a market. He recently won the exclusive rights to import dry cell Tiger batteries, leaving other importers out in the cold.
The Museveni family tree extends to other branches, including Hannington Karuhanga, Don Nyakairu, Albert Muganga, Jovia Saleh, Kellen Kayonga, and more. They have their fingers in various pies, from coffee exporting to security guard exports.
Hannington Karuhanga, Janet Museveni’s cousin, wears multiple hats. He’s the chairman of UGACOF and a director in Stanbic Bank. Talk about diversifying your portfolio!
Don Nyakairu, corporation secretary of Uganda Telecoms Ltd, married Janet Museveni’s cousin, Hope Nyakairu. It’s like a family reunion at the office every day.
Albert Muganga, the man with oil in his veins, married Sam Kutesa’s daughter. The oil business seems to run in the family, even if big oil companies didn’t get the memo.
Jovia Saleh, a wealthy businesswoman and wife to Gen. Salim Saleh, knows how to handle real estate and Congo resources. It’s a family affair, after all.
Kellen Kayonga, Jovia Saleh’s sister, exports security guards to Iraq. They may not be guarding her secrets, though, as employees complain about their earnings disappearing into thin air.
Last but not least, Andrew Mujuni Mwenda, king of connections and close friend of Lt. Col. Muhoozi Kainerugaba. With a direct hotline to the President, military choppers, and even military uniforms (despite having zero qualifications), Mwenda is the ultimate example of how connections can take you to places you shouldn’t be. State House security? He’s got them on speed dial!
In the world of the Musevenis, it’s all about keeping it in the family, whether it’s politics, the military, or business. The Museveni Dynasty – coming soon to a theater near you!
So, there you have it, folks – the Museveni government’s very own family reunion. Who needs qualifications when you have family connections this strong? Uganda, you truly are a special place.